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Health & Fitness

Super Bowl Parties Can Actually Be Fun. Seriously.

The secret to pleasing even your crabbiest guests

Readers who for some reason haven’t looking for the right spot to watch the Super Bowl, and who plan on hosting their friends that night instead, have e-mailed for advice on the surest way to bring off a successful Super Bowl party.

Excellent question! And a vital one. Of all the challenges facing the modern American host, throwing a Super Bowl party is fraught with by far the most peril. You know why, of course: most of your guests will rather be somewhere else that night, and will only show up out of some grudging sense of neighborly obligation. The husbands will rather be in their own living rooms, in their own easy chairs, where they can devote full attention to the game without having to make a lot of chit-chat during it. The wives, saints that they are, will be there to stand by their stressed-out husbands.

It’s a serious problem—and the same one Mrs. Banks and I faced back when we used to host the game. We came up with an ideal solution: simply pack as much vice into the evening as you can. People will be delighted. So lots of gluttony, obviously. “Which should we serve,” Mrs Banks asked me as we planned our first party. “Chili and hot dogs, lasagna, nachos, or a six-foot-long hero?”

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“Perfect!,” I told her. “And don’t forget the sliders.”

This is no time to stint on libations, either. The default choices will be beer for the men and white wine for the women, but don’t be shy about offering upgrades. You’d be surprised what people can be talked into, especially if the game turns into a blowout. “Anyone care for a Manhattan?” I remember asking our guests during the third quarter of the Ravens’ shellacking of the Giants in 2001, and then being nearly trampled to death as everyone rushed toward the bar. And brush up on your Brandy Alexanders. The wives will be grateful.

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Include plenty of gambling! You’ll want to have the standard 10-by-10 grid, of course, but don’t stop there. We used to have everyone throw a bunch of money into a pot that funded payouts on every football-related eventuality you can think of: injury timeouts, lost fumbles, personal fouls—whatever. Make your own list, put a dollar figure on each item, then have guests draw the events out of a hat. People will stay glued to the TV every single down. The children in particular will suddenly become so quiet and well-behaved you’ll think someone slipped them a Benadryl.

I’d have cigarettes and cigars on hand, too, but Mrs. Banks puts her foot down on smoking in the house, and there’s no talking to her on the issue. But even tobacco-free Super Bowl parties can offer plenty of opportunities for people to go overboard. Don’t let them down. Now go out and enjoy the game!

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