New Canaan Resident Offers Support for the Sandwich Generation

On Sept. 26, author Kathryn Slattery, a New Canaan resident and longtime contributing editor at “Guideposts” magazine spoke as part of a series at the in North Stamford. Slattery’s memoir, “Lost & Found: One Daughter’s Story of Amazing Grace” details her own experience “sandwiched” — squeezed between the responsibilities of caring for her mother and raising her two children.

"I had written a story about it for "Guideposts" magazine and the editor at Guideposts books got in touch with me and said, "Kitty, I really think this is a book." So I gave it a lot of thought and a lot of prayer," Slattery said. "I finally said, God gave me this life and I'm going to tell it back as honestly as possible."

The result was a memoir that tells a story familiar for the nearly half of the baby boomers who have one or more parents and children under the age of 21 living under their roof. As she spoke to the small group at the Church of Christ the Healer, Slattery presented six points to help the sandwich generation navigate this new role with grace, love, and respect.

“I had read her book and knew that in her case, it wasn’t that her mother required a great deal of care, it was that their relationship changed,” Reverend Kate Heichler of the Church of Christ the Healer said.

Slattery and Heichler met at a church in New York City over thirty years ago and remained friends over the years. When planning the fall series, Heichler drew from the lessons of Slattery’s memoir and knew that many members of the congregation — and the community — were faced with similar situations.

Over the past few weeks, people have gathered at the church for a series of lectures and conversations addressing different concerns of the sandwich generation, from adolescent brain development to the issues surrounding memory loss.

“It’s being a constant caregiver,” Heichler said. “Navigating the medical system and social services, and just finding balance.“

As Slattery shared her advice for navigating the duel-caretaker role, she shared a range of anecdotes — from the heartbreaking experience of watching her mother grasping to pick up a patch of sunlight off the floor as her eyesight deteriorated, to hearing her now-adult daughter reflect on the gift of having three generations under one roof.

“Our children were exposed to the challenges and heartaches associated with growing old…the good news is that our children were also able to witness first-hand a woman who faced growing old with incredible grace and optimism,” Slattery said.

While Slattery emphasizes the hidden blessings of the sandwich generation, she doesn’t shy away from the struggles of finding peace and balance in the situation and soothing a relationship she once could only describe as "prickly."

“No conflict, no story,” Slattery said with a smile. “It’s about healing and reconciliation. The most powerful thing is to know that it's never too late to begin a fresh chapter in a relationship, never too late to say “I love you” or “I forgive you.””

For both Heichler and Slattery, there is hope that by bringing people together around sandwich generation topics, there can be shared wisdom and honest dialogue.

“I hope they will gain a sense of not being alone, that there are strategies and there are communities — there are people out there who care,” Heichler said.

The final speaker in the Church of Christ the Healer’s fall series will be Dr. Anne Brewer of Stamford Hospital. A physician and ordained Episcopal minister, Dr. Brewer will speak at 7:30 p.m. on Monday, October 3 and discuss planning for end-of-life care.