The Truth Be Told

             Recently I have had some meaningful conversations with close friends about how hard it is to speak openly with people in their lives for fear of how they will react. It seems to be a running theme for a lot of us, lately. Often, our choice to hold back, rather than share is well intended. The need not to “ruffle feathers,” “upset the apple cart,” “rock the boat.” (Funny, there are a lot of cliches that mean the same thing) is our way of “protecting” the other person from news we know in some way will be hard for them to understand. A dear friend of mine once said that he thought the most basic human need in life is not food, water and shelter, but to be understood. I thought about this and realize that there is so much truth to that. I think about conversations I have with my teenage boys. Our teenagers already come to the table thinking we as parents are going to say no to them. Their defenses are already up and maybe we have given them good reason to fear approaching us with a question, with a desire, because we usually don’t take the time to sit down and understand how important their needs are in that moment. Usually for us, whatever they are asking poses a risk, or will inconvenience us. For them, it means social suicide if they cannot get where they need to be. Perhaps if we exercised a little patience to gain understanding and get underneath all the defenses, we would feel more compassion for how hard it is for them at this phase of their lives. All this requires is for us to take our consciousness into a difficult conversation, rather than “be in our head” about all the ways we don’t like what we are hearing.

            It’s not just like this with demanding teenagers. My 22 year old cousin is a stunning, brilliant young woman. She was lamenting to me the other day that it was sometimes so hard for her to feel at ease with a group of other girlfriends because she feels she has to “dim her light.” Her experience was that her exuberance and radiance made other women around her uncomfortable. Therefore instead of shining, she would often put herself down in the hopes that others would feel better. Similarly, I have a friend who hides the simple truth from his partner because she tends to overreact. He would rather not endure the reaction so he chooses silence (suppression) rather than openness.

            All of these communication “mis-behaviors” lead us to one experience - separateness. It’s ironic because although the intention we have behind protecting our significant others or friends suggests sensitivity, we are however not allowing the other an opportunity to handle our truth, or worse - we already expect that they can’t. That is the definition of enabling. Our truth does not need to be a huge dramatic event - it could be anything. The point is, big or small, as scary as it is to put out there some news, information, a feeling it is so important for us to send the powerful message to the people in our lives, that they are capable of “hearing this.” Whether they react, throw plates, curse, scream, ignore, manipulate - that is their work to sift through - and hopefully they will.  But in our work, we experience through practice the light we gain through listening in the moment. Then, we begin to understand our own selves better. It is the same as feeling recognized, seen, heard - we feel more connected, we feel safer then to be totally ourselves in our words and our behaviors.

Namaste

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Tracy, a Phi Beta Kappa graduate from Columbia University, taught English at Staples and Darien High School before deciding to change careers and focus on educating the community on the richness and transformative benefits of yoga. Tracy, was trained in Mysore India, and was the first yoga teacher to bring this style of yoga to Fairfield County more than13 years ago. Tracy, along with her husband Mitchel, owner, is a teacher and visionary at Yogapata in Wilton Ct.